"we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."

----- Forwarded Message ----
> A Message from John Cleese
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
> In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
> of
> the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> Over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
> she does
> not fancy).
>
> Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
> America
> without the need for further elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
>
> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
>
you
> noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules
> are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>
> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
> be
> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> skipping
> half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix
> -ise.
>
> Ge nerally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
>
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> such
> As "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of
> communication.
>
> There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
> behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of
> The reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn
> your
> original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
>
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers,or
> therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
> That you're not adult enough to be independent.
>
> Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
> sort
> things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
> not
> gro wn up enough to handle a gun.
>
> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything
> more
> dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
> to
> carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
> mean.
>
> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
> tables.
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
> sense
> of humour.
>
> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline)-roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those
things you call French
> fries
> are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
> are
> properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
> and
> dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> Beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
> as beer,
> and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to
> as
> Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound
> The greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
> beer. They
> are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
>
> 12. Hollywood will be required occas ionally to cast English actors as
> good
> guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play
> English characters.
>
> Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a
> Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
> cheese
> grater.
>
> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
> or
> wearing full kevlar body armo ur like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
> Rugby
> - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly
> thrash
> us.
>
> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> host
> An event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
> of
>
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
> your
> borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
> will
> let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
> deliveries.
>
> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies
> due (backdated to 1776).
>
> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
> mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
> season.
>
> God save the Queen.
>
> Only He can.
>
> John Cleese